Ruining Baseball for Me
by Regis Boff
I start with coffee because I have to be competitive swiftly in the morning and I haven’t been sleeping because I have terrible things on my mind. I eat only lean, biologically certain but tasteless foods, my menu is dictated by women’s news programs and Oprah Winfrey’s Hollywood gynecologist. This diet ensures that my appearance attracts the best females, which doesn’t really matter because I am married, and that I will live forever. I have more coffee at noon and four bottles of my “five-hour energy drink”. I flush my body constantly with water that arrives in containers guaranteed to kill dolphins, fish too stupid to realize they shouldn’t eat plastic.
I come home, swallow fifteen to twenty vitamin tablets and take three tabs of Viagra timing them accurately for later. My sensible wife now comes to bed wearing body armor to prevent bruising. I watch TV for a couple of hours with some beer and wine before I take my Ambien and go to bed.
But I still can’t sleep because I am so pissed off at Alex Rodriguez for ruining baseball for me.