Offer Him a Cigarette Instead

by Regis Boff

Every time I see someone at the gym or on the street pulling out a clear water bottle to have an emergency-rehydrating swig I have this urge to offer him or her a cigarette. Somehow in my mind their affectation is no more reprehensible than my addiction. Even though I know their pretentiousness is a signal that life offers them little else I still get more annoyed with these plastic worshippers than I do with second hand smoke. Smoke is indeed annoying, but there is no chance it will hang around for the next ten thousand years.
This entire environmental ideology is a contorted muddle, and I don’t indict men for causing it. Men harm themselves with biodegradable and recyclable shit like metal beer cans, cars, snow blowers and bullets. It is the women who have created the floating plastic islands the size of Madagascar in the Pacific that suffocates sweet suckling dolphins.
Indeed women can be blamed for it all. Men did not start carrying around Evian water on our belts. Half of the world’s ozone destruction has been caused by female aerosol perfumes released since the early forties. Add that to all the involuntary release of female fear pheromones into our atmosphere which nearly always correlates instantly with some idiot on TV warning them that a juggernaut of one degree temperature swing is on its way to their neighborhood to destroy their babies and you have the sources of most of our problems.
Listen, let me give you a hint; men do not care about global warming. Why? Because we are delighted that climate change will afford us the prospect of using our guns, snow blowers and four wheel drive cars in the cold or, if indeed the climatologists have it ass backwards, then sitting in the hot sun at the beach in Nebraska drinking our canned beer and firing our weapons at plastic entangled dolphins.
So do me a favor , the next time you see someone drinking out of a plastic bottle on the street snatch it away and offer them a smoke. Do it for our planet.