The Ecstasy of Global Warming

by Regis Boff

I find global warming kind of exciting. I get a sort of medieval tingle in my loins at the prospects of heavy snows to be battled or torrential rains forcing me to buy ever more powerful SUV’s to tackle the tumults.
Let us be honest shall we? The climate has never been particularly fair. This calamity will be the beginning of what America haters have dreamed about for the last fifty years. I believe atmospheric retribution is at hand folks. For instance, the Northeast, where I live, has been living high off the weather hog inside our temperate climate for too long whereas Africa, the continent of droughts and locusts has been unfairly treated for millennium. Well Africa, get ready for oak trees and green lawns because they are coming your way.
Now who deserves to be punished more than the west coast with their snobby weather, their surfing, and their ozone clogging cosmetics? I for one simply can’t wait another moment to see them all wrapping themselves in dog skins to keep warm due to the tiptoeing glaciers heading down the San Diego freeways towards LA.
There is no way of effecting what is coming at us except by preparation. If we were smart we would be shipping snow blowers to the Gobi Desert and ocean liners to Arkansas as we read this.
We have been battling the weather forever and have had many not so small successes. Take Al Roker as an example. This tireless little chaser of calamity can be our guide to the fantastic opportunities of climate adjustment that are ahead of us.
I understand that certain groups need to paint the picture a certain way to get elected and to sell more green outfits for the spring but get a life, this could be the best thing ever to happen to us.