A Peaceful Acquisition

by Regis Boff

I want this to be our century of peaceful acquisition. It is in the world’s best interest that America stretches itself uninterrupted from pole to pole. Humbled countries naturally want to be funded, like start-up companies, which need field capital to grow.
Immigrants coming from Mexico are visibly so distressed about where they live that we are morally obliged to seize their country for their protection. The paperwork to confiscate Mexican sovereignty would be half the size of the insurance forms required to have a routine colonoscopy.
If every country that spoke Spanish was instantly a part of us we could eliminate second language courses, as the newcomers would unsurprisingly teach us for free. Win, win I say. This is while not even mentioning the opportunity of sending our own over-educated jobless to Mexico to tend lawns and shrubbery.
None of the countries underneath us, until you run into Antarctica, are capable of even providing sufficient Wi-Fi hot spots to run their X Boxes so why do they need to have their own flags?
It may take until after the chaos and disgrace of the World Cup before Brazil, cheerfully sells itself to us for pennies on the dollar to be the seventy-fifth state. Not long afterwards, I expect all of South America will be clamoring to get their names on American stamps.
Hell, we won’t even bother telling the Canadians about the change, we can just issue a new currency and wait for the moose to fill them in. Naturally, they will blame it all on the French who will then, in terror, flee on mass to New York to offer poor service in exchange for great food.