I Am Ashamed to Say

by Regis Boff

I am dazzled by my country’s focus on sex. When I was a kid, we did not even suspect that out of control fornication was possible.

Girls protected their body parts like scientists entering Eboli infected villages while us boys snuck peeks under frilly canopies rendering ourselves dizzy with  theft and its companion, guilt.

There are more filthy things available in sexuality than I ever imagined growing up. I am ashamed to say this exhilarates me.

I have, of course, the advantage of being brought up a Methodist. We believed sex in all its forms was bad, one variety not substantially more wicked than any another. I was raised so closed minded that I am singularly free of discrimination on this subject today. To me, everyone is going to Hell, if God is real, that is. If He is not, well, close the blinds and take your clothes off, I say.

Heterosexuality could benefit from an enforced moratorium in my opinion. We are up to our pelvises with too many children.

Homosexuality causes no one any problems so perhaps the over breeders will switch over in time to save the planet.
I am learning both the vocabulary and the potentialities of what we can do to each other with our organs on TV. I am kept busy with this. I want to catch up so my wife is not embarrassed by me at dinner parties.