Me, This Morning

by Regis Boff

I have a puppy, Clemson, who is now too big to be an earth moving tractor in Japan. He obeys no one but me. He grows at the same clip as my legal liability does in keeping him. My dad would have shot him to protect the family. I will likely need mace and tasers to protect mine.
I have a candidate in Donald Trump who makes my every waking moment an exercise in apologetic shame and confusion. He seems hell bent on blowing Hillary like nose snot straight into the American Presidency. I was greeted this morning by Clemson dragging my wife out the door by her leg and crazy Donald throwing a crying baby out of an arena. My wife persists in making the argument that even I would not have done that. I sweetly whisper to her that she should go fuck herself.
And I have no sports for at least four more weeks. Even then it is only preseason football.
My wife is leaving for Rio this afternoon smugly convinced Trump is going down, and relieved Clemson is entirely my problem in her absence. The dog was her fucking idea in the first place.
The only even modestly entertaining event at this Olympics will be the 400-meter dysentery run to the broken toilets, and I will worry about her every minute she is away. Not, mind you because I love her, but because I know when she returns Clemson will be her problem too.
Of course, I will still have Trump.
My wife, I know, will need me to take care of her pet Zika mosquitos when she comes home. So she is secured in my life.
To Trump and me there are matters more critical than worrying about offending the feelings of our neighbors and our over-educated but silly media.
I have no use for either party. Trump will destroy the Republicans. The Democrats will perish soon after because everything stupid needs a friend to shit on.
Hillary will get what she has wanted.
Women will be gleeful that they are now available to get the only job opening there will be in eight years.
The Democrats will continue to pass their one eye around like they are so superior.
I will take my dog to Iowa and let him eat it.