Unnoticed in Clever Worlds

The clearest description I have managed so far about my blog is that it is not about cats. In general, I find predators pretty predictable while prey on the other-hand, because they live in universes of anxiety, develop more textured personalities. I also have as a writer a deft hand when it comes to making matters worse, so of course , the already panicky are ready made for me. I will try to grow this blog into an assortment of laughs, because that is what my life has mostly taught me to do. I will use the famous people I have known to get your attention and then tell you small but many times wonderful things about them. I will never name the ones I say ugly things about but I hope you will guess who they are.

Month: December, 2019

Blame

I am about to release my new app, “Grievance Dot Com.”
This handy apparatus will locate the origins of what has figured into your life’s lackluster performance and instantly provide you with a historically valid excuse. You will no longer have to rely on the broad swaths of religion, skin color, nationality, and sexual identity.
Now you will have specificity.
To be candid, only an insufficiently disguised baboon would find one percent Hopi Indian blood enough to dazzle their friends. I watch these people on TV feigning seeping joy over the hint of an ancestor that in my day would have been shaming at the very least. Hell, in my neighborhood, we couldn’t marry a girl that wasn’t blond.
But what if you could connect yourself through DNA to unique misfortune, incidents that would precisely account for your being a bum today. What if your great Roman Aunt was a victim at “The Rape of the Sabines”? Now that would leave open mouths at any StarBucks.
I’ll say no more, but please send for my app today.
Remember, nothing is more satisfying than assigning blame.
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The Quantum of Morality

Sometimes I think to myself,
“Is morality the best we can do?”

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We had Science too

I am more familiar with the last Ice Age than most of you. You are nearer to the Earth’s promised scalding flameout. We are both wedded to our specific alarm.
Advancing glaciers scared the shit out of me as a kid. Our schools and media certified it was only a matter of time.
These transcontinental icebergs would come gnashing relentlessly towards my home. They would overwhelm our 1956 Chevy and mash our too slow to react dimwit of a family dog.
Glacial speed was faster than global simmering to us.
I knew where my hooded fur coat and galoshes ( bet you haven’t heard that word for a while) were at all times, even in the heat of summertime.
Today’s children and village idiots are​ encouraged to fear incineration by slow global baking. But I won’t change​​. I’m betting on ice. We had science too.

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Holes in Learning

I valued small print as a child. Somehow it conveyed gravity and possibility. We had this vast family dictionary that had every word in it.
I would close my eyes, then pick a random page to open on and look at the words. I did the same thing with the Bible. On occasion, some words would have a tiny drawing. I was the first kid to see a Dodo bird in my neighborhood. I still remember this picture.
My mother built my first encyclopedia by redeeming green stamps at our supermarket, getting one letter a month. It was a Funk and Wagnalls.
We failed to complete the set for reasons long forgotten.
I occasionally find empty pockets inside the U, V, W, X, Y, and Z sections of my scholarship.

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Poem: Bushwhacked

Poetry is the last thing

that would ever occur to letters.

The words would testify if they could speak

that the process makes them queasy.

Most writers are ashamed to leave

an unintended verse.

Feeling they were bushwacked

while on their way to longer bursts.

But I prefer this short shit,

cause I know the reader will peek.

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Tangled up in Genitals

I have decided that only gay men can be genuinely kind and talented. Heterosexual men can be either one or the other, but never at the same time.
Young girls face a clumsy period of uncertainty when it comes to sex but with age, or if they have had two children or more than two husbands find lesbianism the obvious sensible choice.
Men seldom communicate with each other unless the subject is really big, like the universe or the Pittsburgh Steelers. Women never allow silence to invade their relationships with other women. Just watch them.
Women have no big themes. They are not philosophers. This fact has always confounded me because I know a very reasonable explanation is somehow hidden here. It might be that women are by nature merely trivial but it is, however, certainly plausible that all philosophy is bullshit as well. This is just one of the open questions in my life.
The mind boggles.

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PUBLISHED: December 8, 2018
FILED UNDER: Unnoticed in Clever Worlds

With all this believing you would think one of us would be right.

Entitlement and Enlightenment

Don’t hunt for Enlightenment in the provinces of the poor. Only the rich have the spare time to achieve it.

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Convenience is Temporary

The only app I had as a boy was a light switch. My father slapped me with regularity for not using it. He was cheap, having lived through something called The Depression. Depression is now a form of autism suffered by grade-schoolers not likely to gain entry into the Ivy Leagues.
My kids believe the “rapture” will come with the announcement of a new Mac operating system. Mine will be the instant when all the lights in our house are turned off at once.

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