Who is really dirtier? Catholics or Methodists

by Regis Boff

I was a Methodist as a child. We never rid ourselves of sin. I always felt filthy. It was weight. Then again, it made our sex much dirtier, which was a significant plus long term.
We did not have confessional forgiveness like those Catholics; they sloughed off ” your out of Heaven” transgressions as bad hair days. We prepared for the afterlife as though it was an SAT exam.
I envied them because their sex seemed more unfettered, like wild animals. Our sex came in increments like Chinese water torture.
Our girls chose the courtship ordinances, their boys decided theirs, if they had them at all. To me, they needed only time, a car, and a bruised face.
Even today, I put the same value on female body parts that were assigned when I first dated. The rate went down a bit only when women stopped wearing bras in the sixties. Then they put them back on. I never understood why.
We got our revenge on the Catholics later when it appears they weren’t told about divorce. They married for life and had six or seven hundred children each.
We used divorce with abandon. Funny that it wasn’t a sin for us.