What do gay men call their cars?

by Regis Boff

A woman can’t be a man’s best friend, and neither can his dog. If this actuality ruffles women and disappoints dogs, well, they need to suck it up.
Most of us men, deep down, wish women were more like cars.
We never refer to our cars as “he,” it is always “she,” this is universally true though not easily demonstrable in the day to day.
I wondered, not out loud mind you, how gay men handle this? I am going to check with Car and Driver Magazine for a working clarification.
My dad did not load me with life advice, but he made this point to me strictly and often as I grew up. He said, “At fifty-thousand miles, you must trade your car in for a new one.”
He knew factories secretly built ruin into every car.
We boys of the fifties and sixties, all had “planned obsolescence,” stuffed into our idea pockets by our fathers.
I think this led inexorably to the high divorce rate of that era. As we reached marrying age, we naturally applied the laws of our fathers to what we loved most, cars and women. Nobody ever explained the difference to us.
Cars and marriages are not complicated if you understand their warranties. At 50,000 miles, you must find a good mechanic if you want it to last or get a new one. At the twentieth wedding anniversary mark in a marriage, you must break out the humor that only you two can understand. Or.