Why I love this Pandemic

by Regis Boff


There is no baseball, and I have returned to eating Campbell’s’ soup every day ( particularly the “Cream of” varieties). I have Stouffer’s Mac and Cheese whenever I feel like it.
I don’t gain weight anymore because I eat water pills all day and I have spent my entire life without lugging the excess baggage of being born a woman or being black ( or a Jets fan.)
I get all the racial conduct behavioral advice I need from ESPN when I go to retrieve information on greedy baseball players. I have all my pronouns in order. As Tom Wolfe said, “I am a man in full.”
I love that Joe Biden lives in a cave just like me as he protects his lead.
It’s fabulous to watch President Trump flail about like King Kong ( 1933 version), fighting off machine gun firing biplanes while he frantically hangs onto the Empire State building. I will miss him.
I fret that the democrats when they win will not be much fun. They spend a lot of their time making me feel bad about myself and each other. If I had an old dog that acted like that I would understand it was time to put it to sleep.
I like the Pandemic because it has confirmed my contention that I am playing the lead in the world’s one-act play. I have to stop and urge myself to give a shit about anything outside my door. That is if there is anything outside my door.
I have a brand new car that I never drive and increases in value because of its lack of mileage. I have my children at home at an age that would never otherwise have happened. I now know them as adults. Something like that hasn’t happened since the pioneer days.
I like that if other people knew me, they would be envious of me. And I am smug that I have the restraint not to rub their noses in it.
My family works hard to protect me from infection in this time of dying old fuckers. That is not so true in so many other places.
I adore the experience that I have so many people I oddly care about who I don’t even know thanks to FaceBook and my Blog.
I have a bunch of people who exist in my mind as they did when I was a child and who I have had no contact with for sixty years or more. They correspond with me about this in surreal ways. It makes me warm inside.
I am slowly learning who had a crush on me before I knew sex existed. It is not necessarily actionable information. But sometimes, ( if the little girl was cute sixty years ago), it is even delicious.
I want to know what my childhood friends thought of me then and don’t care about what people around me think now. I know myself too well today to be curious.
I think the media, right and left, is dying, and this, coupled with the death of baseball, makes me practically happy every morning. America needs its own opinion and not the conjecture of highly paid dickwads. Turn off the TV and think. Note: ( this will not include the NFL and Tom Brady). (And the Steelers and all hot newswomen).
I don’t hate anyone, and I feel somehow unique in that. It denies our media of what it wants so dearly. The Motherfuckers! Oops!
I have lost a lot of my Democrat friends. They can’t believe I like Trump. It made me sad to lose them over these last few years. But I have other friendships which don’t require my allegiance to politics. I don’t miss them anymore, but it took me time.