Unnoticed in Clever Worlds

The clearest description I have managed so far about my blog is that it is not about cats. In general, I find predators pretty predictable while prey on the other-hand, because they live in universes of anxiety, develop more textured personalities. I also have as a writer a deft hand when it comes to making matters worse, so of course , the already panicky are ready made for me. I will try to grow this blog into an assortment of laughs, because that is what my life has mostly taught me to do. I will use the famous people I have known to get your attention and then tell you small but many times wonderful things about them. I will never name the ones I say ugly things about but I hope you will guess who they are.

Category: Women

Women are the Problem

Women are the problem. I have been stewing all day about that snake incident in Eden.
Eve and that Serpent were right. God and Adam were largely full of shit. After all, what kind of Deity forbids a woman from doing anything. First, he puts her in the Garden of Eden, then threatens her about not eating the centerpiece fruit of an apple tree. Holy hamsters!, How dumb could you be? I can’t stop my wife from eating the top layer, and best-buttered, of my popcorn before the movie even starts.
What exactly was God’s point insisting on this Jeopardy clue about an apple?
Remember this was even before He invented apple worms.
Granted this was God’s first shot at creating a universe, and fucking Adam had landed out of nowhere, by himself, with no real-time life experience at all. This blockhead wasn’t sure he was even naked until Eve show up, and he got a hard-on. On top of that, our hapless deity had forgotten to pack an extra rib in His toolbox.
God of course, in his infinite pettiness, got all over Adam’s shit about the whole episode and Adam picked up from there and laid guilt on Eve like linoleum for the next ten-thousand tears.
But of course, women are the problem.
Go Steelers!!!!

Women and Wheels

Women spend most of their lives coaxing their egos to believe they are the equals of men in certain areas. It is a petty and misguided activity. One of these domains is their talent at driving. Men are invariably part of their machines. Driving to them is little more than the carry over from the fine horsemanship the years of the early West trained them for. Women neither invent nor love machines.
Women treat cars as overly simplified washer dryers. They believe they are talented operators because they do not include steering as an active ingredient that contributes to excellence. Since the arrival of texting, women should have been prohibited from both driving and walking the streets for their safety.
This crippling inadequacy is in no way a natural gender issue but rather the cumulation of millenniums of tending children that required what women believe is something called “multitasking.” Some fool in the 1980’s came up with this term and feminists latched onto it as a compliment to females and females alone.
It is neurologically impossible for any women to drive simply. They preen, they text, do their nails, brush their hair, pluck their eyebrows, put on lipstick and the list go on and on. Women only like cars at all because of the number of mirrors that are within easy reach to gaze at themselves.
What is even worse, the upcoming generation of teenage girls, when grouped beyond three in a car will completely forget that one of them needs to steer at all.
I have always been reasonable in my stance on a woman’s right to choose and to vote but upon a long trip’s observation of girl’s behind wheels, I am coming to conclude this is something we must revisit. I have passed along a note to Mr. Trump, ( a friend) suggesting he may have to tackle this issue. The Democrats never will because even their men can’t drive.

My Wife is a Dangerous Immigrant

My wife is a dangerous immigrant. She hid quietly inside our world until she was indistinguishable from the talent around her. Now we get can’t get rid of her. She outranks us.
None of our belittling tactics bridled her. She wore the burka of sexuality that made us dumb, the heels, the makeup and she carried herself with cunning deference.
Now it is too late. There are cells like her now everywhere. Set to detonate.
They recruited from the young. Men are tired and anxious. Too timid to provoke them even to preserve ourselves. We are afraid of their anger. Somehow we think this is all our fault.
We deport them to motherhood when we can, but their leaders return after a time.
We are going to need a wall.

Perhaps this is what God would do if he really cared.

It is time for another Israel in the Middle East only much bigger. Perhaps in Mexico as well. Life in these two geographic regions has been a miserable proposition for a long time. The West did not cause it. The Kings, Mullahs, and oil-rich chieftains kept their people in poverty and allowed them only God as comfort for hundreds of years. In Mexico, the poor were supported only by our tourism, our insatiable need for drugs and the Catholic Church.
Bringing these people here is moronically ill-advised.
We should use our weapons and military to carve out new Edens for the suffering instead of destroying everything to catch a few.

Perhaps this is what God would do if he really cared.

eden

The Photographers

How can a photograph be copyrighted when it’s confined to the  public domain by definition? A song comes out of nothing.  A painting is as much the hand on the brush as it is anything inherent. Movies manipulate atmospheres and the medium simultaneously. A camera’s image becomes art only when interpreted in the aftermath. Could it be that photographers are more critics than artists? Could it be that there are no artists at all, only reviewers?

Photographers - page 158

Groovy

I don’t get too tossed about this political correctness phenomenon. After all, when I was around twenty, I said “Groovy” and will still say “hey man” as a greeting, particularly to black people.
My father yelled at me when I was twelve when he overheard me on the phone with an adult speaking disrespectfully. He demanded that I say “Yes Sir or No Sir,” always. I still do this to this day, and I am older than everybody.meir
These rules can be learned.
I stumble clumsily over the speech regulations of today as though they are nuclear intrusions on my civil liberties. Hands always get a little burnt when passing torches. I know I am wrong, but I am stubborn so they can all go fuck themselves.
I have a theory about why these kids see slights that would have seemed not so grievous to my generation. Our millennials are the consummation of three generations of more and more targeted and cautious advertising. When the world does not behave the way it does in commercials, they are fearful and wary. They are suspicious of any gathering that does not accomplish fair representations of races, sexual identities or female /male neutrality. Words are paramount because they are accustomed to dialogue that has been worked and reworked by copywriters and advertising executives not to offend. One poorly placed word can result in the destruction of a Five-hour Energy drink or an Apple iPad. The stakes are huge.
I have two kids in this new generational cluster. I think they are better than me at that age. They, of course, roll their eyes when I behave deliberately in ways that will embarrass them. They forgive me for that, I know. They don’t know yet they will do exactly the same to their children. Nor should they.

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It is why my life is so funny.

I love everything about America.
I don’t believe that every veteran is a hero. I believe that some are.
I don’t believe black people are all good. But I know there are enough good ones to solve their problems.
I know that wearing pink at football games does not make me more aware of breast cancer. My mind rarely wanders far from breasts.
I don’t believe children, academics or pretty girls on TV should try to tell me how I can avoid insulting them.
People should understand that I want to offend them. It is the only way I have to find out if they are idiots.
That is how I pick my friends.
It is why my life is so funny.

thdog ears

Country Music # 2

I was standing at the mixing board with the manager of a blind country singer named Ronnie Milsap. It the first of two shows to test a format for the sponsor, Phillip Morris. All of their executives were there. It was a twenty thousand seater in Houston. The artists on the show were Ricky Skaggs, Merle Haggard, Ronnie Milsap, Barbara Mandell, and Alabama.
It went well, and I naively wanted all the acts to come back on the stage to close the show with a song or at least a bow, to impress the client.
It was my first show in country music.
I whispered to Milsap’s manager, a lizard of a man if he felt he could arrange them all coming out. He said no to me in the way that meant at a price. I handed him a thousand dollars in hundreds. Off he slithered. True to his greed they all came out and sang together at the end of the show. It was what I needed. These shows became an important series that night.
After the show, I asked my partner Fred Caruso to personally hand each of the artists a thousand in cash with my thanks. Letting them know that Milsap had taken the money.
I learned later that at country shows the audience expected everyone to come back on stage for a finale. It could never have not happened.
Beyond even that, these performers would sit on the side of the stage as the show was breaking down around them to sign autographs and to talk to their fans every night.
Hanging around backstage afterwards and feeling pleased with myself. Each of the artists came to me, one by one, and handed me the money back. Everyone but Ronnie Milsap. I forgave him this as I doubt he ever heard about the money at all’

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Too Much of a Good Thing

The happiness we all long for begins with one fewer child at a time.

monkeys_together

Never theirs

Kids are more routinely medicated now in their twenties than we were recreationally in the sixties and seventies. Drugs companies have a prescription for every psychosocial blemish that gets in the way of perfection. The “cures” for acne are now more power and dangerous than casual heroin. The preventions for skin cancer from the sun are slathered on with paint coats so thick children can barely move at the beach. God help the family that is encouraged to medicate their kindergartener because they are too active or fall behind in their learning of the alphabet.
Some kids are smarter than others, some are more active than others, and Lord help us some are even fatter than others. We are a vain and a profoundly competitive culture. We have concocted a generation that believes they are perfect or conversely if they are obviously not so it is somebody else’s fault, never theirs.

perfect

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